Journal Entries

I’ve been attending a Fitness Boot Camp for the past few weeks: one hour a day, three days a week, outside in the weather, on the grass in a local park. I’m doing this with twelve guys from my church; we all needed to work out more and a crash-course in fitness seemed appropriate; and besides, we thought it would be fun to do it together. Nothing bonds the hearts of men better than exhaustion.

I wasn’t too worried about doing this since I’ve been working out with weights at Gold’s Gym for awhile now, but it was still scary to be tested alongside so many guys who know me well. Like most guys, I have an ambient nagging fear that my best will never be good enough and I will be the only one who can’t complete the course.

I learned right away that I could fake and pose my way through the first set of exercises. Anyone could pose through the first set. But by the 10^th set: no posing, only moaning and wheezing. Exhaustion and oxygen debt reduced us to our authentic selves.

Why do I worry about this sort of thing? Why do I find myself posing so often? Who am I trying to fool?

There is a story in the Bible about a man and woman who chose to pose and pretend; their names were Ananias & Sapphira. They sold some property and pretended to give all the proceeds to their church to help the poorer members. Unfortunately, they only gave a portion of the sale proceeds, in spite of claiming to give 100%. They lied.

The question is, why would someone with enough compassion to sell property and give to the poor lie about what they did? No one expected them to sell anything. No one expected them to give it all away. Why did they lie?

It’s hard to know someone else’s motives, but maybe Ananias and Sapphira wanted to be listed with the other big givers on the plaque hanging on the church wall. Or maybe they wanted to be accepted by the cool inner-group of leaders, like the apostles. Or maybe they felt underestimated and underused by the church (“We can be so much more”) and they hoped this would catch someone’s attention.

What if they were really a big-hearted well-meaning couple who were truly motivated to help, and sold the property with the purest intentions. They might’ve said, “Here is 20% of the proceeds … that’s how much we can afford to give right now.” Do you think people would’ve thought less of them?

Like Ananias and Sapphira, I often convince myself that who I am is not enough, so I pose as someone else. I’m afraid my authentic best won’t measure up. I’m afraid I don’t have what it takes.

So two weeks ago we started our Boot Camp experience with fitness assessments: How many pushups can you do in 2 minutes, how many sit-ups in 2 minutes, how long to run 2 miles, and like that. The fear was … what if the number of pushups I do in 2 minutes is so few it doesn’t even make the chart? What if my best is a joke?

It isn’t a small fear. Ananias and Sapphira got into big trouble for this. They lied, and posed as someone else because they thought their authentic self was not enough. They died; literally dropped down dead on the spot right in the church. For them posing was a capital offense.

Living authentically is always a choice. Posing is always a choice. Over and over we have to ask, how am I going to live? God has given us his image in our life and people cannot get a clear view of that image when we are posing. Instead of God they see a pretend version of us.

I know that I pose too often because I’m afraid my best is not enough. And in fact, it isn’t enough. But God who lives within me is always enough, and if I live authentically, he will shine through my weaknesses. And that is always enough.