Journal Entries

While Cyndi and I were enjoying lunch at Speculoos Patisserie & Cafe’ in downtown Galveston she told me about her yoga workshop, and the leader suggested they spend a few minutes doing whatever poses or movements they wanted. It was free-form yoga. Cyndi thought it was a cool and creative idea, and I could tell she was thinking of doing it in her own class. But it didn’t sound fun to me at all. I go to her yoga class once a week, and I’ve learned to enjoy it, but I don’t want to do my own moves. I want to be told what to do.

For all my desire for freedom and choice and free will, there are some places I simply want to be bossed around. Yoga class is one of those. The reason I go is for someone else to tell me what to do for the next hour. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to make choices, I don’t want to be in charge, I just want to listen and do my best to keep up and concentrate on good form and technique. At least, in yoga class, letting someone tell me what to do, is relaxing.

I also go to the gym twice a week for Body Pump class, a high-rep endurance strength training class, and I’ve learned to enjoy it for the same reasons. In the beginning I was hesitant to join a class because I’d have to fit my day around the health club’s schedule. If I workout on my own, I can go anytime I want. I can adjust my day based on my own criteria and don’t have to pay attention to anyone else’s. But I started attending the class because Cyndi went and I wanted to join her. We’re busy people and live in different worlds so we have to plan activities to do together; I was willing to subject my precious freedom to the rigors of someone else’s choices for the opportunity to workout next to Cyndi.

But I found I enjoyed the class for its own sake. I liked being told what to do next. I didn’t have to decide whether to work biceps or legs next, the instructor told me. And I didn’t have to decide how many reps I should do, I had to keep doing them until the instructor said to stop. I only had to make one decision during the entire one-hour class, and that was the decision to go to class. Once I was in the room I relinquished decision-making for the next hour.

But those are exceptions. In most areas of my life I don’t want to be told what to do. In fact, my first response is likely to be an internal, “Oh yeah, watch this.� I will eventually comply, due to my tendency toward conflict avoidance, but my first reaction to being bossed around is to bow up and stand my ground.

I remember several years back I was teaching an adult Bible study class and I had a department director who was always giving me lessons to teach and ideas to emphasize. I never did any of it. I had no intention of following his instructions or suggestions. For one thing, I disagreed theologically with most of his recommendations, and I knew I was a hands-down better teacher than him. I had no intention of sacrificing my own freedom simply to follow him.

When I was working for Amerada Hess Corporation I took a personality test, along with my supervisors and co-workers, to help us understand each other. Mine said: “Berry likes to think and work independently and enjoys working alone; and needs to be free from constant social demands and group pressures … needs an environment that offers plenty of opportunity for independence.� The facilitator said, essentially, I was a guy who wouldn’t be supervised. He said this to my supervisors. In my defense, that was in 1987, and I hope I’ve grown a bit … but, in fact, freedom is still one of my most cherished possessions.

So back to my lunch conversation with Cyndi, I was surprised to hear myself telling her how being told what to do in exercise class was liberating to me. Rather than feeling stifled or trapped or bossed-around, it felt free and relaxing.

So when I read God’s words in Psalm 32:8, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you,� I hope I can feel at peace, and free, when I let God boss me around.

My fear is that another Psalm may apply to me … Psalm 81:11-12 says, “But my people would not listen to me …So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own devices.�  My desire for freedom is only a breath away from rebelliousness. That’s what I want to avoid.